You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
