A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
