I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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