Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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