I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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