I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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