Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
