my phone needs a breathalizer
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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