she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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