Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
