If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
