Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
