At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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