I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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