i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
