so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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