well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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