i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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