I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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