As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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