shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
