I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Someone came in the potted fern
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
