On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
