I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
