He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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