she looked like the before picture.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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