i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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