I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
