I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
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I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
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