she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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