fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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