And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
