Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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