I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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