I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
