oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
