I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
