there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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