dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
where are my eyebrows?
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