Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
