I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I am naked and annoyed.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
