She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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