did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
