Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
