and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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