i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
