I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
