The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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