Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
