If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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