i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
