shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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