i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
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You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
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He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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