He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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