everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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